"It's so damn hot ... Milk was a bad choice."

I love snow, until March. I love spring weather, until it's about 70, maybe 75. And humidity? Forget it.

So imagine my surprise when the weathercaster said it was going to be 75 today in some parts of the state. Uh, I moved to Wisconsin because I saw the average temperature in July was like, 70. If it's 75 here now, what's August going to be like? I shudder at the thought.

I don't do well being warm. At all. There will be no handshakes, hugs or even sitting next to me on the couch from May to September. It's too hot. Sweating with the oldies at an apartment in Michigan last summer was bad. Not having air conditioning for 11 years before that didn't prepare me for the roasting by the rays of the horrid Michigan sun in our apartment. I cried inside all summer long. No pool. No relief. Michigan. Etc.

Not this year. We don't have to pay for air conditioning. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about turning it on tonight when I got home from work today (I didn't, but only because I didn't feel like explaining why it was on). Please, let me put a sweatshirt back on. I want to not feel my toes because it's so cold.

What is this, Wisconsin? Heat? What?! This isn't what I came here for! I hope you don't get as hot and humid for months like Ohio. Please?

Is there a place in the world that stays 60 or 70 all year round, no humidity, and rains, like, every third day? And snows on Christmas? With no bugs or snakes? If so, I would move there. I tried to Google all that stuff, but all I got was this. If you live in a place like that now, you should tell me.

(Photo: Will Ferrell in "Anchorman.")