Happy anniversary to us, kind of, maybe ...

I've had anniversaries before. I've been to golden anniversary parties. I danced the polka (really) at my grandparents' 50th.

I've also witnessed not-so-happy anniversary parties:

("Fifty years ago today, I made a big mistake," says some old man, while everyone laughs nervously, quietly, looking at the floor, shuffling from one foot to the other ... "Oh, look, grass. Dandelions," they think. "Oh, I'm just kidding," the man says, to more non-laughing laughing).

I've witnessed embarrassing "we don't celebrate anniversaries" speeches:

(Total stranger, trying to make conversation: "How long have you and Rob been together?"
Woman: "Oh, well, we don't really count. We just sort of started hanging out, like with other friends, a few years ago, and then we started just hanging out just the two of us. But we don't really keep track of that stuff. We just hang out ..."
Stranger: "That's nice." Cough.
Witnesses: Fidgeting, thinking "Just make up a number, you'll never see this man again in your life, ever. He doesn't really care. Just PICK A NUMBER -- TWO, SEVEN, WHO CARES.")

I mean the anniversary you have when you're just dating someone. The ones that say "Wow, we've been dating two years. Neat. Let's go to Fazolis." Those are the kinds of anniversaries we have. But now ... Now it's different. It's only a matter of time (about 106 days, but I'm not really counting) before we get a new anniversary. I'm assuming July 2 (cough, cough, if Dave's reading) just becomes meaningless after Oct. 14, but does that mean we don't get to celebrate (read: go to Fazolis and get a card or something) this year?

Or does it mean we get TWO anniversaries this year? YES.

Oh, wait, is this the part I am supposed to say "Aw, it doesn't matter. Just so long as I get to be with Dave." Now, see, look what you made me do. You know I'm not sentimentally mushy. Now I feel queasy.

Kidding.

And gifts -- gifts! -- who came up with the traditional anniversary gifts? Who? I want answers. I Googled it, but found conflicting reports. But, seriously, paper, cotton, leather, iron? I know you don't just get a bushel full of cotton (does cotton come in bushels?), but still. Why?

I think they need new ones. First anniversary, cookies. Second, free movie rentals. Third, tanks of gas. Fourth, cable TV. Fifth, free day off work. I mean, stuff I'd actually know what to do with.

(Photo: Lasagna, the official food of anniversaries.)

(Fun fact: When you do a search on Google images for "fazolis," you get my photo in the second page of results. See? And check out that guy beside me. Oh, man.)