"I think I've got bird flu/SARS/trendy-disease-of-the-moment"

I am getting married to Mr. Hypochondria.

I'm not kidding. When Ohio had its "mad outbreak" of West Nile Virus, he swears he had the first documented human case in Lucas County. His dad supports this theory.

See, my fiance comes from a long line of hypochondriacs: His family has suffered from SARS, anthrax and bird flu. No, they don't work for the Postal Service, travel to Asia a lot or make out with birds (is that how you get bird flu?). They just "have weak immune systems."

I'm serious. These are real people. I'm going to be related to these people. (I hope it's not catching -- Do I look pale to you? Just kidding.)

I, on the other hand, am relatively healthy. When I feel like throwing up, I talk myself out of it. You know that itchy feeling in your nose right before you get a cold? I never get that (or admit it to myself). I get the occasional headache. I have upset stomachs. But I don't go from "My stomach hurts" to "I'm fairly confident the doctor will tell me it's a tumor."

It's especially hard to keep a straight face when, every few days, he tells me "I think I'm getting sick," "My stomach's been feeling weird lately," "I think I have a cold," "I think I have a calcium deposit in my ear," "I think I have (some disease native to Africa)", "I'm sure I have (some disease he's been innoculated against since kindergarten)."

Seriously. He's said all of those things. Maybe I am not tuned in to my body enough to know when I have a calcium deposit. But dangit, I'm not a rock formation. Calcium deposit. What 20-something thinks of that?

My poor fiance. I should give him more sympathy, but I'm afraid if I do he'll convince himself he's dying. So I try to talk him out of it. "Your tumor hurts because you drank eight cups of coffee today." "It's a bug bite. You'll live." "No, that's not SARS. I don't know what SARS looks like, but that's not it."

Sigh.

(Drawring: toothpastefordinner.com.) ("My name is Simon, and I like to do drawrings." Come on, guys. It's funny.)