If I had cable TV, I wouldn't ever have to leave my house

I've become that woman.

You know. That woman. The one who, yes, did see that episode of (some lame TV show) last night. Yes, I did. Want to talk about it? No? OK, let's talk about (some other lame TV show) instead. No? Oh, no, I didn't see that one. I only have NBC. No, that's Fox. "Law & Order." That's how I roll.

This week is season and series premiere week. Nerd-like beyond belief, I physically typed "nbc.com" in my browser window, clicked enter and checked out the schedule for this week.

THIS WEEK. On my COMPUTER. On purpose.

I am one step away from collecting those TV inserts from the Sunday newspaper to circle shows, plotting my whereabouts a week out. "Tuesday, I need to get done with work on time to make it home before 'Biggest Loser.' And I'll be damned if I'm going to miss 'Law & Order: SVU.'"

And then I'll start collecting salt-and-pepper shakers shaped like geese and gnomes with cities' names handpainted on the side. "Ooh, dear, hand me San Diego. I'd like to flavor this meatloaf quick before 'Life' comes on. Tomorrow? Oh, no, I can't go out. It's 'The Office.'"

I need more hobbies or friends or something.