I'd give you a gift, too, but I spent all my money on these cards here. Sorry.

I stood in the greeting card aisle for a good 15 minutes, picking out wedding and shower cards for all the events we have coming up.

And you know? Weddings are fun. They're joyous. They are filled with sunbeams and hearts and smiles and all those things.

So why do greeting card companies use the same typeface and ugly background lilies on wedding cards as they do on the sympathy cards on the bottom shelf? Why? No one died. No one got their leg chopped off. It's OK. It's marriage. Thousands do it every year, and no limbs have been lost (directly, anyhow).

Don't get me wrong. I know it's serious. I know it's this monumentous step. But come on. I'm talking about a card someone will read and then toss into a pile. And I'm not looking for a stereotypical marriage-joke card. I'm not even looking for a regular funny card. But the only cool cards I found were $5. I love my friends, but five friends at $5 is $25. In cards.

Seriously.

Before I eventually picked out five of the less-lame cards, I considered doing what I normally do in these situations. I admit to purchasing those 99-cent birthday cards and everywhere it said "You're 8!" I scratch it out to put "You're married!" and on the inside where it says "Happy birthday, tiger!" I scatch that out and write "Sorry I'm so cheap, man!" But I didn't this time. Obviously.