I'll be home for Christmas, if there are good gifts, food and no present-opening ceremonies

I'm getting a little nervous about this holiday thing.

I'm not going to lie. I love getting gifts. I mean, come on. Who are you kidding if you say you don't? It's the opening of the gifts in front of other people that I don't particularly care for. It's the gift exchanges with people I can't pick out of a crowd. It's the weird foods. It's the bad memories of Christmases past.

Yup. I'm officially nervous.

Past Christmases have proven that I need to be nervous. I've had the boyfriend whose family opens gifts one ... by ... one. And then you had to hold the item up. Then they decided if it was a "pass-around" gift. Meanwhile, the next person waited anxiously (or eagerly, if they were nerds) for their turns. Not only were there like, 75 people there (a slight exaggeration, but not much), but when it was my turn, I didn't know the person who had given me the gift. Come on! It was my first Christmas there! I didn't even want to be in their stupid exchange, anyway.

I was there, blushing, eyes watering (not crying, just under stress), and looking around the room, trying to see who showed the most interest in my facial expressions behind my blurry eyes (I needed glasses ... uh, it wasn't the tears). "Uh, thanks Jean," I said, and someone (not so bluntly) told me Jean was sitting behind me. Everyone was laughing but me. I wanted the chair to fall through the center of the earth, with me on it. Dang. That was embarrassing. I would like to say that event had nothing to do with our relationship ending ... but ... OK, so it didn't have anything to do with that. But wouldn't it have made a better story if it had? Yes. I agree.

Another Christmas, I nearly passed out from the lack of delectable food. I believe there was green bean casserole (yeah, I'm going to put that in my mouth. Right), raw veggies, pork, saurkraut and meatballs, and Jell-o with pineapple inside. Thank God there was a bowl full of yummy green olives there, too. I was thirsty like nobody's business, but those green balls of heaven probably saved my life.

And then, finally, the Christmas to end all holidays. The cow-tongue incident. Yes, ladies and gents, there was a bag full of frozen cow tongue. I don't think I can even talk about it anymore. It was too painful.

I'm grateful I get to go home for the holidays for a bit. But there'd better be some fantastic presents that I can open at my own pace without everyone watching, all while eating good food and watching "A Christmas Story" on TBS, or I'm going to get in my car and drive all the way back to Oshkosh so fast. Like 11 hours fast. Yeah.