"Grocery Shopping," the epic struggle featuring Erin and The Fiance, only on DVD

I am neither old, nor am I a mother or a hubbard, but my cupboards are baren. I'm talking one box of macaroni. A can of ravioli. Some pineapple (for the boy, not for me). Some bread. And meat, c/o the Stepdad.

But because I don't cook meat (The Fiance does the cooking) and the leftovers are gone, it's about time for another round of "Erin and The Fiance Get Groceries" (you'll find it in the straight-to-DVD bin at your local Family Video).

We're horrible grocery shoppers. We walk in, list in hand (and by "in hand," of course I mean "I wrote a list by hand and conveniently left it at home"), into the store, telling each other "we're only spending 'x' amount of dollars" (and by "x" we mean "x + y + z = a lot more than x" -- neither of us is very good at math).

We start at the back of the store and make our way up to the register and, lo and behold, everything just looks so good -- to him. "Let's get this." "No." "How 'bout this? Will you try this?" "No."

I'm a real pleasure to grocery shop with, let me tell you.

I know what I want, and I know I want mass quantities of it. Macaroni. Grapes or kiwi or whatever fruit I'm into that month. Chicken. Fruit 'n grain bars. Juice. Soy meat crumble thingys. Cheese. Eggs. You know, the basic "get me through the week" kind of food, and the occasional "bad day" food (when I'm having a bad day, to cheer myself up, I make Velveeta Shells & Cheese, as a sort of hug to myself). That's it. No fish. No weird vegetables. No weird dinners. I can't handle new food. It's gross. And, because we're semi poor, gross food = wasted food = wasted money.

It's a no-win situation for The Fiance, who has to feel like he's on a bland diet. Yet every week, we keep going back to the store, going through the same motions. I can't send him by himself. We end up with off-brands that aren't preapproved by me (par example, Kraft and Wal-Mart macaroni is OK, Roundys is not), or he spends too much money, or he forgets stuff.

I can't go by myself. I just ... don't like to. So what is a young, poor, starting-out couple to do?

Keep writing the lists. Keep going to the store. Keep buying a mixture of his and her things.

Or else starve.