Don't say "Is it hot enough for ya?". You know the answer is "Stop talking. You're creating more heat."

As soon as it turns 70, I'm out of function.

I'm not hungry. I can't breathe right. Everything is so hot. My shoes make my feet hot, my clothes get all thermal-like and don't hold my hand, Dave, it's so HOT. And that's how it continues from the first day of 70 degrees through September.

Last year, I had a landlord who paid for my air conditioning bills; I didn't care for him one iota, so naturally, the thermostat was set at 62 degrees at all times. I wore sweatshirts in July. I wanted to see icicles on the doorframes, and I wanted to huddle under blankets and wake up with sore throats.

And now that I know I single-handedly added 2 more degrees to the heat of planet earth, not to mention how I killed the environment, I do feel badly about that, for the record.

But this year, it may just be a nightmare. We're going to try to not turn the air on until it's necessary, because we like money, and we love hoarding it away in piles of gold coins that we get out and stack like Ebenezer Scrooge every once in a while. (Not actually true.)

You'll note "when necessary" is purposefully undefined, because 72 to me is necessary; 90 is juuuust about right to turn on that oscillating fan over there, Dave says. One more degree. Ooone more. ... "OK. But keep it on low."

"You know we're not going to be able to turn on the air conditioning like last year, now that we're paying it, right?" he asked.

"I KNOW," I snapped. Lovingly.

"Geeez, chill out, I was just saying tha--"

"I KNOW. It's going to be HOT and I'm going to HATE it and I don't want to think about it in March." Growl. Scowl. Other "owl" words.

"OK, OK. Just point-"

"Daaave."

"OK. Sorry."

So when it's 75 for real and you see heat coming off my roof, don't assume it's just because the sun is beating on it. Assume it's me, fuming in front of all three of our horrible, noisy fans with my feet in a bucket of cold water while I eat ice cubes.

.... Erin says as she notices it's 30 degrees outside. Never can be too ready ...