I have a 401(k). I can't be cool. Not even online.

I'm talking online to my cousin right now (yeah, on instant messenger ... I hadn't logged on in so long my program had to be updated from a version that relied mainly on smoke signals). We come from a family of a lot -- there are at least 138 of us cousins, so we're not that close. Plus, he's in college, and he's 20. And he's in Ohio.

Anyhow, I logged on to the forgotten means of communication (oh, the memories), and was looking for someone to talk to. Someone. Anyone. Bueller. I looked through my list ... but everyone was offline or away. They had their witty messages up: "drinking, cavs game and random acts of debauchery," "shaming the downstairs neighbors and buying drink mix," "woo hoo! no school tomarow" (HE spelled that wrong, not I).

Basically, your college/frat boy/editor of a college paper on vacation/do what I want kind of messages.

But my cousin was online and I had a random question to ask, so I asked him, which led to a friendly "how is life" conversation.

What did I learn? I am rusty. Oh, so rusty. And, I forgot how addicting IM is. I was online for "just a quick five minutes, then I have to go to bed," and that became "oh, crap, it's midnight." MAN.

I'm spelling out words. I'm capitalizing. I'm using punctuation. What was "Pr'y be over @ 10 k?" became "Dearest Adam, I shall be over around 10 p.m., if that should suit you."

Not the exact words. But you get the point. I'm out of the loop. I am old.

I didn't even know what to say at first. What were the kids talking about nowadays? Was Weezer still cool? What's the hot "phrase"? Can I say "hot" phrase, or is it "cool" again? Can I still use the word "marinating" to mean "just hanging around", or was that passe?

I need to chill. Or, I need to stop freaking out about getting old.

So I asked him what the college kids were up to, half being facetious, half serious. He said he was doing something with a highlighter and a black light (uh, OK), listening to Fall Out Boy, and he said something called drinking was still popular, from what he heard.

Sugar, we're growing up. But I have Fall Out Boy on (the older version of) my iPod, and that still sounds normal -- as in, I'm out of college and listening to bands he knows. (Though if he reads this, I'm sure the CD will turn into a coaster.)

But, after talking to him for a half hour, I was talking/typing just like the kids do. Or trying. Faking it. Dang it. I feel as if I've been had.

But, oh, the memories of the wasted nights spent talking on IM.

Isn't ... this ... one? Uh ... (cough).