Erin's favorite novel is ... not "The Da Vinci Code"

Let's talk "The Da Vinci Code" for a moment, shall we?

The movie comes out Friday, the books are still selling faster than hotcakes (who calls them hotcakes in real life, anyhow), and I've still not read it.

Why? Because I've not gotten around to it, I suppose. Maybe. I read a lot, the library is my best friend. But I just never got around to it ... Now, I feel like if I were to pick it off a bookshelf, I'd just be part of the 27 slackers who haven't read it.

That, and in true nerd fashion, I want to wait 'til it's not cool anymore until I start liking it. Ha. I'm half kidding.
Consider this:

May 16, 8:44 PM EDT
'The Da Vinci Code' Just Keeps on Selling

NEW YORK (AP) -- If the pace of book sales predicts a movie's success, then "The Da Vinci Code" is a certain smash.

In less than two months, Dan Brown's blockbuster thriller has sold nearly 3 million copies in paperback as anticipation grows for the film, starring Tom Hanks and coming out Friday. An original printing of 5 million, the highest in recent memory for a paperback, has been raised to 6.3 million.

Since the hardcover was released in March 2003 the novel has sold 60 million copies worldwide. All of those books form a bulk great enough, according to the publisher, to cover all of Chicago in paper or outweigh 90 Boeing 747 jumbo jets.

Holy crap.

Will I go see the movie? Maybe. When it comes out on DVD, most likely. Not only am I a reading slacker, I'm also cheap. Though I love Audrey Tautou -- she was in "Amelie," one of my favorite movies. And Tom Hanks ... can't complain about him.

I've got a few more thoughts on the matter, but I think I'm gonna save it for my Sunday column. I've got questions bigger than a blog can answer.

(Photo: deseretnews.com)

Hey, Jealousy, hey jealous-yyyyyyyyy

I don't quite know how to put this so I have the maximum amount of "whoa" and "what?" ... but I have an interview with the Gin Blossoms the day after tomorrow. Yeah, you are so saying "Hey, Jealousy" right now (I've been waiting seven hours to use that line. I thought of it at work today).

(Mom, "Hey, Jealousy" is one of their songs. I wasn't even wearing my braces yet when it came out. Oh, man.)

This is step two on my three-step plan to interview Billy Joel. The first step was ... well, I don't remember. But it's going to happen. All he has to do is come to Oshkosh, which I'm sure is next on his list. I mean, Lyle Lovett is coming to the Leach Amphitheater. Billy is the logical next step. And I'm obviously expecting a phone call from Billy Joel himself. Any minute now. So don't call me. I don't want the line to ring busy when he phones.

(Photo: Google'd it, man.)

Howie wins, Erin loses

NBC executives read Erin's blog, decide they hate her, and release the following information to USA Today:

By GARY LEVIN
USA TODAY
NEW YORK - NBC, struggling to pull itself out of fourth place, has ordered 10 new series to be sprinkled throughout next season. Highest hopes in a schedule to be unveiled to advertisers May 15 rest on "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," marking the TV return of "West Wing" creator Aaron Sorkin and "Friends" star Matthew Perry.
Among returning shows, "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" or "Crossing Jordan" will be benched until January for NBC’s new "Sunday Night Football," which begins Sept. 10.
"Deal or No Deal," now NBC’s top-rated series, returns on two nights after a summer break along with "The Biggest Loser," but "The Apprentice" will take a breather.

An insider told me this is the conversation had in the meeting at NBC headquarters:

"Take out everything she likes, and put in something she hates ... Any suggestions?"

"We could do another 'Fear Factor.'"

"No, she'll see that coming."

"How about more 'Deal or No Deal'?"

"Yeah, let's do that, but more ..."

"I know! She hates football. Let's schedule a boatload of that."

"DEAL."

"Bottle of red, bottle of white"*

Talk about a sweet weekend.

My brother and his fiancee came up. Chicken wings. Check. Shopping, check. Movies, games, good wine, check check check. Yeah, you read that right. Good wine. We're all grown up now. Ha.

Wine was always something really warm and nasty that came in a brass goblet in church and made me want to gag because I had to drink out of it after old slobbery guys. Sorry if you just lost your Cheerios thinking about that. If I had Cheerios, I'd be losing them right now.

But now, we went and picked out a wine based on having seen it before (the bottle we chose on Friday was one I'd had a few weeks ago at dinner with some friends, and only stuck out because it had a burgundy label with a rabbit on it; Saturday's was chosen because Dad had it on his shelf once). And it was good. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. I'll say it again. Whoa. A few short years ago, we were playing beer pong. Now that just seems kinda ridiculous. Not to mention the ping-pong table's been gone since I've stopped paying to skip classes.

Not that I'm aspiring to be a connoisseur. I don't have the attention span for that. Don't start asking me questions about the wine; I'll just embarrass myself. I just know it's in the second aisle in the grocery store, and it has a rabbit on it. And it's red. And it's good. And I feel older for not choosing the Pabst because it's cheap. Ha. Sigh. Erin grows up.

*Give yourself three points if you knew that was a Billy Joel line.

(Photo: I only chose this photo because it looks like there's a Christmas tree in the background. It's from Fodors.)

Silly Paris.

Everyone's favorite heiress* made a fool of herself this weekend, again. Only this time, she let down all the geeks at a video game conference.

Note to self: When you're out promoting your new video game, learn the name of the video game before showing up at the conference.

Note to self, version 2: If you make a video game, immediately stop and ask yourself, "What did I just do?"

Here's the true story (note how awesome her quote is; I bet the AP reporter had to struggle to write words that wouldn't look so boring next to her flamboyant and memorable speech):

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Paris Hilton unveiled her new video game on Thursday, but inexplicably called it by the wrong name as she greeted throngs of fans and photographers.
Wearing a green minidress and red platform pumps, Hilton made a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo to promote "Paris Hilton’s Jewel Jam."
"Sorry I’m late," the heiress said. "I’m really excited to have my new video game, ’Diamondquest.’ Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game," she said.
After Hilton arrived, men in business suits jockeyed for space with reporters and computer geeks as she sat at a table posing for photographers while signing autographs.
Her game, which can be played on a cell phone, will be available this summer. Video game maker Gameloft will produce a series of video games with Hilton.
The expo at the Los Angeles Convention Center showcases the latest innovations in the video game industry.

(Photo: AP.)
*Not really

Erin embarrasses herself, and then tells everyone, Part 37

This is how tired I am:

I was reading Yahoo.com, and saw "Round-the-clock TV channel for babies to debut," and thought "OH MY GOD. I AM SO SURE THE FCC WILL LET THERE BE LIVE BIRTHS ON TV ALL THE TIME. WHAT IS THIS, SOME SORT OF SICK BIRTH CONTROL??!!"

And then I read the story, which is controversial to another crowd, though for reasons that make my misunderstanding look even more ridiculous. You can read it here, but I'm tellin' ya, it's really quite lame.

And that, my friends, is when I knew it was a good idea to quietly turn off my computer and call it a week.

Which I can do, because I now work Sunday to Thursday.

Suckers.

Also, my brother and his Beyonce are coming up in a few minutes. I hope I'm more with it by the time they get here ...

(Photo: Punch yourself if you thought I'd publish a photo of someone giving birth. I'll punch myself for saying "giving birth.")

Just when you thought living in the Fox Valley was perfect ...

Along comes Steven Hyden with his own opinion. Check out his wish list in this week's Weekend

"Don't pick Erin, I think she gets out on purpose."

I was the one in gym class who got picked last. I was the slowest. The smallest. The one counting the minutes 'til the bell rang. Yes, I did get out on purpose in dodgeball. Then, I'd stand at the end of the line and let everyone in front of me, feigning a broken leg, dehydration, smallpox, etc. Those balls hurt. And I was sooo not breaking a sweat.

And you know what? I turned out OK. But then I went to the doctor this week. (I'm just fine, don't send cards, unless they're filled with $50s, which I'll use to buy cute clothes or something.) She suggested maaaaybe I should get some exercise. Uh, you mean like, running and stuff? Yeah. Apparently it's good for you or something.

Oh, boy. Suddenly, I'm back in gym class, hiding behind the water fountain to avoid getting picked. "Teams of 15? Oh, crap. I'd make 16. I'll sit this one out. No, no, let the kid with the broken arm play. I'll just be over here, reading or waiting for technology to catch up to me, waiting for blogging to be invented. It's going to be the new exercise."

(Photo: Toothpastefordinner.com)

Yeah, right. Beauty.

What is this?

A beauty contest, the cutline says. A beauty contest -- you read that right.

I'm kinda scared. If that thing crawled into your apartment, don't tell me you wouldn't be reaching for a broom to hit it (from your perch on the chair).

Four bad commericals. One good one.

I appreciate commercials less than the average person. I have a low tolerance for jingles (you do NOT need a song to sell me something, guys, so stop it). I loathe local, grainy video. I have a problem with the misuse of grammar and punctuation.

Some of the worst:
1. A car dealer in Michigan, who dressed up in cowboy gear and rode a horse. Never did you see a car. Not once. As a matter of fact, the only mobile objects were the horses.

2. A car stereo installer, Scuba Steve. Seriously. Click that link, turn up your speakers, and tell me you don't feel like punching Steve in the face. Now picture him in scuba gear (to sell stereos), floating across your screen. Now picture him saying "Turtle" at the end of every commercial, with no explanation. Ugh.

3. Kate Logan, Victory Honda of Monroe, Mich., who I loated so much that I included her in my goodbye column in college.

4. Stein's. Please. The singing. No more. Please? No more.

But, then there are good ones. Albeit not local, but nonetheless commercials I like watching. OK, only two of them. Any commercial with monkeys in suits in an office setting. I cannot help but laugh.

And, now, the new Apple commercials. They've got the cool guy (Mac) and the nerdy square guy, PC. And, unlike the previously mentioned commercials, I actually want to buy something. Like these. Holy crap. I just fell for a marketing ploy. Ugh. I feel so used.

The ex factor, and the last Tom reference for at least seven days

Maybe once you've been with Tom, you can't ever let go.

Or, maybe Nicole Kidman doesn't understand the term "career suicide."

But how does that work?

I mean, we've all dated mistakes. We've all hung on tooooooo loooooong. We all can admit that it's not cool to have a boyfriend who freaks out over nothing, or one that uses all his 800 minutes leaving two-minute voicemails on your cell phone.

You know what I'm talking about. Yet we defend them when someone makes fun of us for them. Or of them in front of us. Or whatever.

But, I think we all can say with a sharp degree of confidence that if our ex were Tom Cruise, we'd abandon any loyalties we had. Nicole, take note. He's gone off the deep end. He's gone too far. Let 'im go.

Also, on a positive note, I'm making this a Tom and Katie-free zone for the next seven days. Starting right now. I'm too bored with them to say any more.

(Photo: lvrj.com)

If you Google "make it stop," this is what comes up.

Any time you can get two crazies into one show, you know it's either a story about Tom Cruise, or a story about Tom Cruise.

For all you Cruise fans, I apologize for lumping him in with Carty Finkbeiner. Carty's friends, I'm sorry I had to lump him in with Tom. But the two came together, kind of, on NBC tonight.

What's up now with Tom and Katie? Nothing new, I guess. But the show had some interesting points to it: like Carty Finkbeiner and Jamie Farr (another Toledoan, like Katie) walking along the river, talking about Katie giving birth.

And the part about Carty calling Katie's grandpa to congratulate him.

And the part about Katie insiders saying she's hypnotized and only talking to Tom, Scientologists, and her mom and dad (who must be cursing every dollar they spent to put her through Notre Dame Academy).

I don't think many Toledoans' labors are summed up by Carty and Jamie and a TV news crew.

Seriously. What the random ..? Jamie, do you even know Katie. Were you a big "Dawson's Creek" fan, too?

Sigh.

We all know why Tom's crazy. We're all grappling with sweet Katie turning into what-is-she-thinking Katie, but to add Carty in there, too? This is the guy who was mayor of Toledo once, was so controversial he landed himself in national news (and on a Trivial Pursuit card), and then was the knight in slightly tarnished armor because Mayor Jack Ford was so horrible.

(By the way, the Trivial Pursuit question reads something like this: "This metro mayor caused controversy when he suggested the best way to reduce complaints about air traffic noise pollution was to move all the deaf people in the city to live near the airport.)

Ha. Oh, Carty. I don't think you're qualified to talk about crazy.

But oh well.

But, in unrelated news, seeing Toledo made me miss it. And I felt slightly nerdy when I heard myself say "Hey! I've been there! Look!"